Venting

OMG! I am seriously at my wits end lately with Koben! Need to come here and vent.  Right now he is in his room for "quiet time" because he is refusing to nap. People say to me, oh he must be done with napping then. Uh, no. I'm not saying this because I am dreading him giving up his nap, I know it will happen one day. If he does not nap he acts completely crazy and overtired the rest of the day, will not listen to Avery and I (more than usual), and is mean to his brother. Then come 6:00 he is a zombie. We had a playdate today and towards the end of it, after lunch, I could tell he needed a nap. He was getting super cranky, his eyes were looking a bit red and tired, and he was sitting at his table outside just hanging out. You know, you can tell when your child needs a nap. We still follow a schedule most of the time, and it was around his usual nap time. Oh no, mister was not having it. Tried to change his pull-up and he freaked, screaming and hitting me. It took all I had not to smack him back. I know thats sounds horrible, but I wouldn't really. Put him in time-out, which took about 5 diff. tries. I felt like I was on Super Nanny. When he was done, we read a book and I layed him down. And...the tantrum started again. "I'm not tired. I don't want to go to bed..." The usual 3 yr old stuff. I told him it was nap time and he needed to close his eyes and go to sleep. Then he is in there screaming and being spastic. I can hear him laying down and getting up again. This stresses me out even more because I am afraid he will wake Kellan up and then I'll have to deal with two cranky butts. I go in there and tell him he has to sleep, and I pick him up and think maybe if I rock him a bit and give him some cuddles, it will make him sleepy. Nope, he is moving every which way, eyes closing occasionally, but not staying still or giving in to sleep. This has happened quite often in the past month or so. I just can't get him to take a nap, but he is so out of control tired when he doesn't. I just need to vent on here. I know many other parents go through this with their toddlers. I feel like my anxiety level in dealing with Koben is super high, which I'm sure in turn, he senses. He yells, hits and says no a lot. The hitting is really upsetting to me. He seems like he gets so angry quickly now.  I have spanked him (just one swat on the pull-up) a couple of times because I felt like I tried everything else. I was always the first one to say I would NEVER spank my kids. But it felt  like at the time, it was all I could do to get him to snap out of it and me not have a nervous breakdown. Then I feel awful, saying to him "don't hit" when I have spanked him. He just seems so out of control sometimes. Don't get me wrong. Both the boys are actually really good and so completely loving and sweet-especially comparing them to other kids I've seen. But when they are not, it is times 100. Dealing with both is so challenging sometimes. Kellan even throws fits now because he wants to do everything big brother does. He is at that stage where if he gets upset, he will bite out of frustration and all those other things that come with his age and learning. It's a bit overwhelming at times.  And then as a mother, you get those feelings of guilt and worry if your doing the right things to raise your kids, because we of course want our kids to grow up to be well-behaved and respectful.  I feel like age 3 has been really hard on all of us, including Koben, because I know he is learning and growing, and testing boundaries and we need to guide him in the right direction but also he needs to know that what mom and dad say goes. Yesterday I got some parenting books at the library, and Avery and I are both hoping to get some good ideas on how to deal in better ways with a 3 yr old :)  I try all I can to keep him busy with play time and activities for both he and his brother. When we are outside he is great, but if we are in the house, he is like a loose cannon sometimes. We have been making sure to have one-on-one time with Koben too. Our one-on-one time is usuually spent picking books at the library, walking to the park and than lunch. He loves this, and I really love having a fun day out with just Koben and I.  I love my kids to no end and I am so lucky to have those boys in our life. Its just not easy sometimes. Well, I think I'll stop the venting now. Honestly, I just feel too exausted at the moment to even think and write. It doesn't help that Ave is working six 10's now either.  It is quiet in Kobens room now, so I think I'll sneak in and take a peek. If he is still up, I think I'll just take a deep breath, gets us some snacks and put on a short show for us to watch and try to have some nice play time before little bro wakes up. Ok, wait. No joke. right as I typed that, I heard Kellan talking in his room. Oh boy. I think I need a drink tonight and some trashy tv. Is Avery home yet???